note to self: dont fall in love.
came to a conclusion that things don't get better, we only grow stronger. yet this all feels too much for me to take. god is playing a cruel joke on me. he is testing my endurance, my limit. and i must admit that I am reaching the peak of everything. I feel so numb, my heart is wailing but no tears flow out. It's so suffocating. god help me through all these mess. I give in.
came in to this school with the mindset that I have to concentrate on my studies and never fall for anyone again. I came in with the "once bitten twice shy" mindset and pretty much convinced myself that no one can ever be trusted.
and it wasn't even till the 3rd hour in school where we met. kinda cheesy but I would've said it was a love at first sight kind of thing.
day one was magical. everything seemed surreal, like as though I was filming some typical romance drama. I was tongue tied, literally unable to speak properly when you held the door for me, asking if I wanted to go into the lecture hall. as I flashback, with the scenario playing in my head, I never fail to smile. every single time.
and then you helped me to find my classmates. I was so grateful for your help and basically something tells me you were pretty different. and also your lame cold jokes which were humorous, making it a plus point for you too. at that point in time I already felt so attracted to you, and when you approached me for my number, I felt fireworks exploding in my heart. I was so overwhelmed and nonetheless, I still feel like I was dreaming.
day one in school was great.
day two was memorable. despite knowing each other for less than 24 hours, we met and got our textbooks together. I had subway while you pulled lame pranks on me... I miss that. I got to know you better and I can empathise because I can relate pretty well to you.
strangely though, after knowing more about you, I felt more distant because I was totally out of your league.
and despite that, I tried to conceal those thoughts and continued to enjoy myself, at least while it lasted. I love being around you because you radiate such positive vibes and your silly faces makes it impossible for me to feel down.
funny how it was the second day we met yet we acted like we'd been friends for months.
day 3 and 4 were purely textings and i got to know a lot more about you, but even more distant I felt. its like you are up there while I'm just one of the ordinary fellow down below. can't emphasise on how much you actually are out of my league. I just never expected things to come to an end so quickly.
day 5 was.. mixed feelings for me. it was the last time I got to see you and really talk to you, but i never expected that. we got our textbooks, and then we parted our ways from there. that was the point everything stopped and went straight downhill.
you are indeed special. I just hope that you are not a liar cos its so damn hard to find truthful people nowadays. if you are an honest person I can literally say that whoever has you is one hell of a lucky girl. I swear. and I pray that you will be happy, and find someone really really great who is worthy of you. I hope you find someone who is worthy. please be happy, dear friend.
I might not be doing great now but as long as you are happy, I will sincerely be happy for you. I dont want to see you frustrated or upset, and I feel like it was a mistake for me to step into your life. indeed it was a huge mistake, but nevertheless, j you must be happy.
thought I was being indecisive and all until I realised; it was my ego that was holding me back.
how could I possibly tell u I regretted ending it between us and that I want the fs back? it's impossible for someone with a high ego to do that. maybe, one day I'd put down my ego and that's when I get to realise ur importance. just one day.
